(written sometime in December)
How are you all doing? It’s about to be the half-time of my gap year, and I’m so grateful to all of you who have held on for the ride. Thank you for listening to me through all of the misery, joy, and everything in between that colors life with strange magnificence.
While I’ve enjoyed blogging (an understatement – blogging is my lifeline), it’s time to descend further into the ring of fire. I feel things howling at the door, scratching with greater and greater intensity, eyes wild. There are deeper things that I need to dredge up, harder truths I need to confront, doors that need to be unlocked. And I am afraid of being too afraid to uncover the unsaid.
So I hope you see the dignity in my increasingly honest stance, however subtle it may be. I hope you see courage as I plunge into darker waters, as I reveal a little more, as the more ferocious of my stars suddenly align in your eyes.
I don’t mean to hurt anyone with what could possibly come next. If names come out, or the imperfections of the past, I don’t mean to slander anyone out there who may be listening from a distance. It’s just that I can’t keep holding on to my lifeline with all these things that still drag me away from freedom. I made a promise to Truth, the greatest ally in my world, telling her that I would respect her at any cost. I will try my best to uphold that promise.
So please descend with me, a few more times, for as long as you can bear. You are much needed on this journey of transformation.
With the love of all things courageous,
P.S. Coming down from that lofty grasp on heroism, there is a question I want to ask you. I didn’t get a visa in time to go to India in January (thank you, universe, for meddling with my plans once again). Until February, I have a month in the raw to shape into some sort of masterpiece *fingers crossed, knock on wood.*
I’m thinking about:
a) Taking on a promotion from a ghostwriting intern to a travel blogger with my Dad’s company. It would give me the opportunity to spend two or three weeks working with dolphins in Zanzibar, monitoring a lion population in the Masai Mara, or doing some other similar project somewhere on the African continent.
(Check out this link with all available projects: http://www.edutoursafrica.com)
b) Going to Sanur, Bali for a two week yoga retreat. I’ve been flirting with attending a yoga course in Bali, but decided on one in India. However, that decision left me with an unsatisfied thirst for going to Bali. I would be living with one of my Mom’s friends on the island, building a base for all the glorious yoga to come.
c) Continuing to build a routine at home, focusing on that elusive goal of self-care. I would help my tae kwon do instructor establish a website and a bootcamp program, hopefully getting into good enough shape to be a reasonable-looking guinea pig. This is the most certain option I have; it entails working out, eating lots of fresh vegetables, cuddling with my cats, and binge-watching LOST with my sister.
Unless I stay close to home, I might have to fight to make the other options materialize. Yet, in the spirit a new year, and of walking on the hot coals of deeper self-exploration, I’m willing to go down fighting to find the most transformational, the most healing experiences within my reach.
What do you think? Where would you like me to go, and what would you like to read? Feel free to comment below, email me, message me over Facebook, etc. I’m gladly at your service.